My Love/Hate Relationship with Jeans

Jeans. We all own them, wear them, dig through our dressers for the ones we actually like...
And how is this? How can we own an average of seven pairs (Surely my research cannot be accurate.. Only seven pairs per American on average? My family must own enough jeans to account for all of Pleasant Grove's population.)  Thinking of all these jeans,  how many pairs do you own that you love?
 Me? None. I only love my trailer park pants. Definition- What my husband so lovingly calls my vast collection of yoga pants. I have a few pairs of jeans I kinda love. My Long and Lean style Gap jeans are nice. They're well constructed, they taper nicely so my longer than average legs look even longer and well, leaner. Best of all, according to the wonderful people at Gap, I wear a size 6! I will happily play into that delusion when I put on my favorite jeans. These are the pair I dig through my drawers to find, kindly pushing aside the one with "issues."
Let's talk about jeans with "issues." I can't account for all issues because different body types have different denim needs. These are my three big hangups-
Length- As I mentioned, my legs are longer than average though I'm only 5'6" Average or regular length make me feel like an awkward big bird figure whose pants just never quite rest on that sweet spot on my shoes rather just suspend in midair waiting to drape on something.
Rise- There is so much wrong with super low rise jeans. So much. Even if one is beautifully toned and tanned through the midsection (which I am not), the presence of crack is inevitable. If I can't bend, squat or sit down in a chair without the light of day bestowing upon my bum, I'm not wearing them. Okay... Maybe on laundry day when trailer park pants are not an option and I'm feeling a bit confident and I'm not planning any fast moves or strenuous activity, I'll wear the crack jeans. Then I wonder all that day why I still own them because I hate them. Then they get washed, folded and put back in my dresser. And the vicious cycle starts again. Maybe I keep them to feel as if I'm doing my part in keeping the national average afloat....Not really, I'm just lazy.
Color/Rinse-I prefer dark jeans. I just do. While all my darker blue jeans have options of distressing and rinse, my children's donotsomuch.... Kids jeans have nice options. It's so stinkin' cute when there is a teeny tiny pair that look like they've been worn in all the right places, but I won't pay forty bucks for teeny tiny pants. I just won't. So pretty much my kids look like they wear the same jeans over and over because in keeping with the cheapness that is me, the jeans I buy them come in light and dark. No fancy distressing and whisping. They're okay with that. Color is a whole other thing. Being a child from the eighties, I just can't bring myself to warp back to colored jeans. Also, I'm not that trendy. And again, I'm cheap. If I can't wear those jeans three years from now, I'm not buying them. Not to mention..my husband would make fun of me, so much fun of me, if I wore purple jeans.
Well, I have decided I've grown bored with this subject and truthfully, Sarah Jr (aka Ella) is having quite the little (HUGE) meltdown in the living room right now in which my role as "Mother," I must go investigate......*sigh*