Celebrity Names. We're pretty much all aware of celebrities who have changed their names for the sake of stardom. Marilyn Monroe was Norma Jean Mortenson Baker. Mohamed Ali was Cassius Clay Jr. And how can I not mention Chad Johnson, er Chad Ochocinco, er Chad Johnson???
If you don't follow football or celebrity news for that matter, there's this guy, born Chad Johnson, who legally changed his last name to Ochocinco because his NFL football number was/is 85 and he wanted to honor his Spanish heritage. (That's not even how you properly say 85 in Spanish.) He even took it upon himself to change his football jersey and was fined $5000 because of it. There's more to this story, but basically he claimed he couldn't change his name back to Johnson for financial reasons. He even made news again saying he was going to change his last name to Hachi Go, which is 85 in Japanese, but never went through with it. He did legally go back to Johnson when he moved to the Miami Dolphins last summer.
Then there's simpler changes like Topher Grace (Eric, from That 70's Show) His real first name is Christopher. Instead of shortening it to the plain ol yawn Chris, he chose to use the latter part of his name.
On a side note: Topher Grace was the only teenage cast member Ashton Kutcher did not Punk during the show's run.
One another side note: Ashton is Mr. Kutcher's middle name. His real first name? Interestingly enough is Christopher.
On another extra side note: That 70's Show was originally named Teenage Wasteland.
Then there's 'necessary' changes like Olivia Wilde (House, Tron:Legacy, The Change Up) Her birth name is Olivia Cockburn. Try becoming a Hollywood starlet with that last name...
If you missed it the other night and the replay the next night, Niki Minaj professed on Idol her name is Onika Tonya Miraj. And if Kree ain't singing on the country music awards next year??? Then I guess she'll change her name again?
Let's go a little old skool, blast from the past here:
Walter Matthau?
Walter Matuschanskayasky
(After the Matus, just start making some cha sounds followed by a couple skis)
Whoopi Goldberg?
Caryn Johnson
(Really? Of ALL the names you could have used for yourself, you chose Whoopi?)
Conway Twitty? Harold Lloyd Jenkins (Hal Jenkins would have worked just fine, I'm thinking.)
More on Ms. Goldberg....
So, she literally renamed herself after the Whoopie Cusion. I'm not shitting you. She thought they were funny and she was trying to break into comedy. And no, she's not Jewish. Her mother thought she should choose a Jewish surname so she sounded successful.
Names in the Music Industry:
Prince- His given first name at birth was actually is Prince. And of course there was that whole Artist Formerly Known As symbol crap he pulled.
I'm not sure what people are calling him these days- Sean John Combs? Diddy? P Diddy? Puff Daddy? Tator Puff? One day there will be a gangsta back alley bar brawl between him and Ron White for the name Tator line of names.
Speaking of...
Larry the Cable Guy? NOT EVEN LARRY!
Daniel Lawrence Whitney
Silly names:
WWE Wrestler Shawn Michaels:
Michael Higgenbottom
Singer Bjork:
Bjork Gudmundsdottir
Charles Bronson
Charles Dennis Buchinski
Doris Day
Doris von Kappelhoff
Pat Benatar
Patricia Andrejewski
Natalie Portman
Natalie Hershlag
Michael Landon
Eugene Maurice Orowitz
Lady Gaga
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta
These are all people who considered "What's in a name?" prior to stardom. What would your star name be?
Here's another edition of people I want to slap in the face. As I said in my last edition, I don't know these people so I'm being completely prejudiced. I guess I'm too nice of a person to sound completely full of malice while saying what I'm about to say without saying I know I'm being mean. You know what I mean....
With that being said, now I'm gonna be a bit nasty towards others:
Here's a list of people I want to slap in the face:
Niki Minaj-
Maybe not so much her as a whole all the time but if I could shrink my hand and give out little slaps to her facial features I would slap the crap out of them. The other night while watching Keith give a critique on Idol, I was enraged (yes, this caused rage in my thought process) by Ms. Minaj's eyelids. That's right, I said her eyelids. They were painted up (does one paint eyelids?) with a very sparkly dark silver shadow and the whole time Keith was talking her face featured surprise, condescendance, agreement, pleasure, you just been abducted by aliens, boredom, disgust and contentment. And he only spoke, like, 25 seconds! I don't think her overly accentuated eyelids worked at the same time at all. Like one was saying, "Keith, you Cray-cray." And the whole other eye was saying, "Yeah, I'd do him." To quote Dazed and Confused, "Wipe that face off your face, bxtch."
I'm not even sure where to start with her lips. Baby slap for the top one and baby slap for the bottom.
With that being said, why all the war paint? She was featured on the cover of Elle magazine sans any makeup and I much preferred the look.
Get out the cotton balls and scrub the face and the part inside your brain that makes your face look weird, Niki Minaj. Until them I want to slap you in the face.
Flo-
Flo, I so want to slap you. Not only you, but the terrible ad agency that makes your commercials. At first, the commercials were a bit clever. BUT over the three years that Flo was been the face of Progressive, the commercials have gotten increasingly more dreadful. I see what you're doing here, Progressive with you're annoying band of ad execs, the more annoying the commercial, the more people are snapped out of their 'gotta check my phone 'cause a commercial's on' reveries. Take the most recent ad with the fight announcer. He gets slapped too. Or the one prior to that with the vibrating phone. Since my phone is almost always on vibrate, everyone in my family takes pause and looks around for my phone only to realize it's a damn commercial! Did you know there is even a Facebook page called "Flo from Progressive commercials is an annoying bitch"? Yuh. There is.
AND they've really been slacking on her hair lately. I hardly doubt she does it herself, so Stylist, rat that shit up and smooth it over a little better, would ya?
They all get slapped in the face.
Tide Washing Machine Cleaner-
Don't get me wrong, this stuff does work. I begrudgingly paid the $11.99 at Target (I can't believe I forgot to look for a coupon on my phone prior to checkout) for a box of five packets. If my washer wasn't producing horrid smelling "clean" clothing, I wouldn't have paid that price. But, I did and had buyer's not remorse, but guilt for the price I paid to wash my damn washer. Here's where I start telling you why I want to slap something in the face-
The picture on the boxes instructions indicate one should pour (the surprisingly large amount of) the crystals into the detergent tray for a front load and directly into the drum of a top load. Beside that, the instructions say to add the stuff directly into the wash tub. Well, who am I to question the picture? The picture shows to pour it into the detergent tray. So I did that. Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm still drying up swamped detergent, softener, bleach and prewash trays, because of course I spread the powdery love amongst the dividers. There is crusted washing machine cleaner in every tray. Still. After 8 normal loads. So, Tide Washing Machine Cleaner, you get a slap in the face for having pictures that are not congruent with your written instructions.
Hope everyone had a few laughs and has a wonderful weekend!
To see People I want to slap in the face Part I, click here.
